In-Limbo

It’s no surprise that I’ve had a tough year and an even tougher time breaking free from that curse. Our current in-limbo situation is definitely not helping. It’s hard to put anything on the calendar or even create goals, when I’m not sure what we’ll be doing or where we’ll be next week/month/year. Okay drastic much, I’ll be right here next week.

 
Last month our landlord broke the news that she was moving her father into our unit and we had 60 days to vacate. Unnecessary drama added to the in-limbo period, and we were almost screwed out of a place we fell in love with. A last minute deal by all 3 parties, and we were in the new place by mid-May. We’ve sadly moved out of our beloved 92107, but the rental market is ridiculous there. We miss the convenience of OB, but are loving our new place in Point Loma. Bigger windows, breezy, and a back yard that we’ve already been able to entertain with. Oh, and a million dollar view of the San Diego Bay, downtown, Coronado, bridge skyline.
 
Kyle has been put through the ringer with finding new orders. I don’t even want to talk about that.
 
I’ve been having a much harder time coming back from this crash than I anticipated. Both of my crashes on Cookie Monster left me itching to get back out there. To stay in shape as best I could and I had a fire to ride again. Maybe I’m too far removed, but this feels different. Darker and lonelier. It’s not only my back that hurts. I wasn’t in a good place before the crash, and I thought racing would bring me back to me. Sadly, it brought me to the ground.

 
Before Barrio I had a bit of déjà vu. I felt like I was just here. Bummed out by my own community. Disappointed by my peers, sad and angry at the attacks taken towards myself and others for standing up against something offensive to me. It was almost a year ago that Kyle and I were hurt via social media, but I feel the wound hasn’t healed.
 
I took a stance against something I did not like. I did not attack a person, but I brought forward an issue with company who was providing a service that I paid for. I was dissatisfied with the marketing materials {not to mention, offended} and in return, I was attacked for my views non-related. I was also asked to not participate in an event I registered for. Personal attacks, and it hurt. I’m not trying to re-open that wound, but I never wrote about it. 
 
I can’t keep questioning why I do something. Why do I ride? For fun, for competition, to enjoy as much of my time we have left in California? It’s not so simple anymore and sometimes I wish I could be a beginner again. {minus the mis-matched kits}

blogger-image-1161230593
even the after shoes match now
Today I rode Palomar at the urging of my co-worker. I’m in the worst shape I’ve been in since moving to San Diego, and that was made evident by Strava. I had no business attacking that hill and I let it attack me. But I made it up. Slowly but surely. Music cranked. I may have cracked a smile or two. I enjoyed a coke at the top and of course, the descent! The only reason I climb hills is so I can fly down them. And then Cole Grade road stood between me and the car. The artificial finish line, that I never crossed. I sat under a tree and waited for the sag wagon.

blogger-image-1190808497
Cole grade cop-out
Haven’t done that since Big Bear. Tried to avoid a pity party,  becoming thankful my body made it as far as it did today.
IMG_0718
The quitting spot at Big Bear training for IM Tahoe in 2013

Those dreaded words, “So, what’s next?” come up so often, because aren’t we all defined by what we’ve done and where we are going? 

 
Next? I suppose a happy post about my new bike. And an update from the #plr2015 with my college roomies. 

Recent Posts

Recent Comments

Archives

Categories

Meta

One Comment

  1. Love this Rachel. We're in limbo too, if it helps at all. Sweaty hugs to you and everyone out there who struggles with finding an identity outside of athleticism!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *