Dark thoughts are evil things. They suck the life from your legs and squeeze the blood from your heart until you utter the words, “I quit.”
What’s the point of physically training, if we don’t also train our minds to be positive thinkers?
I took out Miss Vivian for her first race since DK. And I love this bike, I do. {It’s too expensive not to!} And she performed admirably. It’s not the bike. It was those deep, dark thoughts that kept creeping into my mind that really hold me back from being my best.
You don’t have the fitness. You’re tired. Sleep Apnea sucks. It’s too hot. I can’t hold this pace.
And you know what? I didn’t. I popped off the group 11 miles into the race. I pressed lap on my garmin and let those evil thoughts win. I spent the next 5 miles trying to convince myself why I love gravel, and to just go slow, it doesn’t matter. “You are doing something you love.” I could feel myself giving myself a massive eye roll. Then I decided I’d just do one lap, bow out, and quietly drive home.
But someone out there decided this wasn’t to be. I’m not a quitter, I just needed someone to wake me up from those dark thoughts and jolt me back to life. Enter Leah. She rolls up {I thought you were in front of me!} and we both acknowledge the task at hand and agree to team time trial the shit out of this fu*king race.
Having this mutual agreement was clutch. It brought back happy memories of my last 40 miles at DK with Corey. Leah and I had a couple of male counterparts enter our train, but eventually they faded. We kept on keeping on. We stopped halfway at her cooler (!) for a cold water refresh and again at mile 45 at a house on course with the cutest little cheer leaders {and cold water!} We stopped when she was cramping. She insisted I go on, but I wasn’t going to leave my battle buddy now! We rounded the final corner and both looked at each other – there’s no way we are sprinting this out. So we made Steve {Nicest USAC official, 2nd only to his wife Brenda} work as we literally tried to tie across the finish line. And little did we know, that was for 2nd/3rd place on the podium!
To say it’s been a tough season is an understatement. I’ve second guessed my ability to battle far too often. I’ve let those dark thoughts creep in far too often. I do realize I don’t give myself enough credit for the massive accomplishment on June 2nd. And it’s also been filled with rides where I’m happy to change a flat or give a helping push. And sometimes I’m the one who needs the push.
So push me. Give me that high five and I’ll give you a higher one. And let’s ride bikes.
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